Honest
by WeWillEatSandwiches
Summary: Set 9x03/04. Arizona talking to Callie about her emotional distress and events of the crash. Calzona


Arizona woke up with an urgent need to see Sofia so she shifted her body to make it as easy as possible to get from her bed to her chair. She had been going to physical therapy and was making progress, slowly. There were good moments at home but she was still struggling emotionally and often lost her temper with her wife.

Callie had heard Arizona moving around so came into the room in case she needed help getting to the bathroom or something.

"What do you need?" she asked Arizona softly.

"I need to see Sofia, can I see her?" she was slowly wheeling herself towards the open door where Callie stood.

"Of course you can see your daughter Arizona." Callie walked into the living area and picked up Sofia from the playpen. Arizona was now in the room to and took her daughter in her arms.

"Hey baby girl." Arizona had nothing but love in her voice. Callie sat on the arm of the sofa watching intently, she knew Arizona would never do anything to hurt her but she was still prone to outbursts. Her wife though was calm as she just looked at Sofia. Minutes of calm silence passed until the little girl began to yawn.

"Someone's tired."

"Yeah, I was just about to put her to sleep." Arizona nodded before looking straight into Sofia's eyes and whispering with a smile on her face

"Goodnight, I love you." She then passed her daughter back to Callie but the smile became more tentative. Pretending not to notice, Callie stood up and looked at Sofia,

"Sat goodnight to Momma" she said before going to the nursery. Callie stood over the crib thinking, savouring the moment. She knew it probably wouldn't last and she had learnt to hold on to these times but still this was the first time Arizona had asked to hold Sofia. With a deep breath she walked back to the living room. Callie had to stop at the scene she found. Her wife was staring intently at a picture she knew from the fram to be of her best friend. It was a shock, the second of the evening.

Upon hearing the door of Sofia's room shut, Arizona turned her wheelchair around after putting the picture back in its place. She then positioned herself to move onto the sofa. Callie watched her struggle for a couple of minutes before giving in and walking over.

"Let me help you, please?" Callie put her arms out but then retracted them worried to get the usual reaction. Arizona though didn't scream or recoil. She nodded.

Now both of them were sat on the sofa in awkward silence. It had never felt that way before the crash. Silence was comfortable now it was the pauses before more arguments.

"I miss Mark." It was a simple statement but it caused Callie to turn and face Arizona. Through no fault of her own she had become quite selfish. It was understandable, recovering from a trauma, suffering PTSD and having to relearn how to walk again. It is hard not to focus purely on what you have lost when everyday is a struggle. Arizona was not just acknowledging Sofia but now Mark to. Callie ashamedly almost felt hurt that Arizona still seemed to be treating her like an outsider. Eventually Callie realised that it had been minutes and she hadn't reacted.

"I, I do to," was all she could say.

"I've let him down." What? Callie was confused.

"No you haven't" It was almost a question. Arizona turned to face her wife.

"It was hell, out there. Everyday hurt. It grew colder all the time and I could feel the bugs in my leg...eating...the flesh." Arizona breathed deeply as a tear fell down her cheek.

"Arizona you don't need to..."

"I do, I do need to tell you." Callie raised her hand and wiped away the tear, surprised again when Arizona didn't move. In fact she looked petrified. Something had taken her back to the crash site.

"Okay, but take your time, okay?"

"Mark lay with his head on my right leg and we talked about you and Sofia. About how we both met you and what Sofia should do when she grows up. We made up properly for the crap the happened when you were unconscious." Callie stared into Arizona's eyes but saw nothing and her tone was flat as she spoke. Arizona was just trying to get it all out without crumbling.

"The night was worse. Day was hell but night..." Arizona closed her eyes "was worse. It was colder and we felt more exposed. So before every night we promised. I made Mark promise that if I wasn't there in the morning that he would look after our girls." She opened her eyes again. "You and Sofia, you two" Arizona reached out and grabbed her wife's left hand. "And he made me promise, every time the dark came and the hell got more hellish, that I'd take care of our girls." Now she began to sob as she twisted Callie's wedding ring.

Callie's right hand ran through blond hair as she comforted her wife, pulling her closer but she was doing it without really thinking about it. She was too busy try to process what she had just heard. Mark and Arizona once despised each other but had grown closer in their shared love for her and their daughter. Callie knew that she couldn't comprehend what they had what they had been through out there. Slowly she was realising that maybe Arizona felt guilty.

"We've had to look after you that's why, you couldn't look after us."

"How can you say that with so much compassion?" Arizona's words were slightly muffled because she spke them into Callie's shoulder.

"You really don't know?"

"I've been acting..."

"Like you've been to hell and back." Callie interrupted. Arizona moved out of her wife's embrace and Callie feared that she had said something wrong but Arizona was just preparing herself to say what was next.

I am grateful for surviving." Callie blinked at the sincerity in Arizona's voice. "When I look down at this," pointing to where her leg used to be "or I struggle to learn to walk again and it hurts so muck, I go back there, to hell. I get so frustrated and then I feel guilty for envying Mark and Lexie because they are at peace. The guilt pisses me of and then I take it out on you because you are there. You're always there. I'm sorry. I'm not saying this because that's going to stop anytime soon. I don't think it will and I'm sorry for that to. I need to explain though, how conflicted I feel all the time. The anger, it just wins. I'm sorry." Arizona stopped and finally took a breath. "I've freaked you out, haven't I?" she said to Callie's stunned expression.

Again Callie tried to process. This was Arizona acknowledging her and all that had happened in the last few months.

"Yeah you did a little, what you just said was..."

"Selfish"

"What no!"

"Yeah, you already have to deal with how much crap and now you are worried about mu mental state to."

"I was more worried when you weren't talking. Honest. I was going to say that you were being honest. I get that you need a bad guy and I am okay with that as long as you keep being honest."

"You don't want to know everything."

"I do"

"It's upsetting and graphic and..."

"and not stuff you should have going round and around your head all day every day. I can take it, if it makes you better. I just want to make you better."


End file.
